So I’m watching “13 Going On 30,” which I recorded on DVR, and I don’t know who it was who told me this was a good movie, but there are so many things wrong with it that I’m going to start listing them. I realize that many people do not care, so feel free to skip this post.
Basically Jennifer Garner’s plays Jenna, a dorky 13-year-old who suddenly finds herself fast-forwarded 17 years into the future to find that she was the prom queen and now works for a dumb fashion magazine. And she's supposed to be a 13-year-old in a 30-year-old’s body. Here we go:
-This magazine editor talking in magazine lingo like “BOB” and “FOB” sounds more ridiculous than authentic. And the fact that her magazine “Poise” and their competitor “Sparkle” magazines always have the same person on their cover (due to an apparent spy) is also ridiculous. That would never happen, ever, for a variety of reasons. The whole point of “Big” is that it’s a supernatural premise set in a realistic world and he has to deal with real issues. Why can't this movie recognize that?
-So Mark Ruffalo — who plays her best friend who was chubby at age 13 and is good-looking now — just believes her when she tells him what happened? His dialogue implies that he believes her without question, when in reality he’d have some questions to ask and wouldn’t just stand there like this is totally normal.
-Even if she’s still a 13-year-old in her mind, Jenna would not talk about her boobs to a random stranger
-She asks this random 13-year-old stranger “Can you tell I’m wearing underwear” and the stranger says “I think that’s part of the point.” First of all, who cares if someone can tell if she’s wearing underwear – doesn’t everyone almost always wear underwear? Doesn’t she mean “can you see my underwear”? Maybe THAT’S part of the point. Or is it? I thought the whole point of thongs — which we saw Jennifer Garner holding in the previous scene — is to hide the underwear. This exchange is needlessly confusing.
-Jenna standing up through the sunroof of a limo is a shameless rip-off of “Big.” It doesn’t read like an homage. It reads like a rip-off
-No one 13 years old would throw the tail of a shrimp onto the floor over her shoulder. Maybe someone who’s 13 months old. It pales in comparison to Tom Hanks eating the baby corn in “Big.”
-Ok, ordering a pina colada at a fancy place feels right to me. I did that. Though not when I was 13. When I was 21.
-What is this party? The magazine editor says that if people don’t start dancing their careers are over? Are you kidding? The fate of a magazine depends on a party being cool? And how did this party get so bad? Who cares? This magazine is more annoying than the one on “Ugly Betty.”
-Whoever thought this “Thriller” sequence could hold a candle to the piano sequence in “Big” was seriously deluded.
-Before the commercials we get commentary from the actors. Jennifer Garner’s complaining dancing in five-inch heels. I have an idea: use three-inch heels. Maybe it’s easier. I’ve danced in them. You don’t hear me complaining.
-So she’s at a bar and Judy Greer, who plays her friend, says that some cute guy was looking at her and that she should go talk to him. She goes and talks to this teenager who she thinks Judy Greer is referring to. That might be funny except for the fact that she’s supposed to be 13, not mentally disabled.
-Of course Mark Ruffalo’s fiancée is despicable. Who is from Chicago and actually refers to it as “The Windy City” in casual conversation?
-Would the Nicolas Cage wannabe she’s having an affair with really say “lie down and take a memo” and then attempt to rape her?
-I can’t tell what Mark Ruffalo thinks. Now he seems to ignore the fact that Jennifer Garner fast-forwarded in time.
-I hate this actress who plays her mom. Hate. In basically everything she does.
I'm done. This movie takes a concept that worked brilliantly in “Big” and executes it a lot less well. Plus, to me Jennifer Garner is not-so-convincing and is mugging all over the place. Do women find it offensive that the female version of "Big" is so much shoddier than the male version? If I were a woman, it would offend me.